AHEIAID Chapter 7: Get In There and Suck It Bald!
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On the day the human appeared on the Empire’s global live broadcast, the entire population of Ottoman exploded with excitement.
They were ecstatic—gongs and drums resounded, red flags fluttered, and fireworks boomed. They were so happy that they nearly crashed the Empire’s official website.
Unfortunately, despite the citizens staring eagerly with their mouths wide open, waiting to be fed, the official website acted like a block of wood, ignoring their desperation in an infuriating silence.
Ottoman Citizens: I hate you for being so unresponsive… sob…
Since the official website refused to feed them any "candy," they had no choice but to take matters into their own hands. They stayed up all night and created a “Last Human on Earth Support Association” and an online forum.
The forum erupted with heated discussions and prize-winning bets on which district the human would be sent to.
[User A]: "I bet on District 2! The old man in District 2 is fierce—back in the day, he slapped the Crown Prince around like a grandkid! No one can outfight or outtalk him!"
[User B]: "Pfft, I bet on District 11. Hmph! If the human comes to us, we’ll build them a golden palace!"
[User C]: "Tsk tsk, you guys in District 11 are just a bunch of money-grubbing merchants. If the human ends up with you, they’ll spend mornings in museums and afternoons in zoos. I’d rather vote for anyone but you!"
[User D]: "Sob sob, our District 6 has nothing… We’re doomed… totally doomed…"
While some netizens were determined to win, and others were lamenting their district’s disadvantages, the official website—silent like a husband pretending to be asleep—finally posted a short, stealthy announcement in the dead of night:
"The human has been transferred to Surveillance District 13 for investigation and quarantine."
The onlookers: "……"
Wait a second—who did you say got the human?!
Surveillance District 13?!
Holy crap, isn’t that the super-official department that never posts anything but criminal mugshots?!
[User E]: "…I want to go to Surveillance District 13’s official website and post a ‘WTF’ message, but I don’t dare. smiley.jpg"
[User F]: "…Same here."
[User G]: "…Same here."
[User H]: "…Ditto. So instead, I’ll just curse the Council. You cowards! Even that guy, Heine, doesn’t dare to challenge them! WTF, do you hear me? WTF!"
Amidst the flood of complaints calling the Council cowards, one user mocked:
[User I]: "You talk like you're some kind of badass, but even you don’t dare say the full name of District 13’s chief…"
The previous user proudly declared:
[User H]: "That’s right, I don’t dare!"
[User I]: "……"
When news broke that the human had been taken to Surveillance District 13, the entire internet erupted in wails of despair.
If any other district had taken the human and refused to show them off, they would have dared to march over to the district chief’s house and spell out “S” and “B” using bottles of piss on the doorstep. But if Garius Heine took the human…
Throwing piss bottles?
He’d blast you into ashes with a single cannon shot!
Frustrated, furious, and stifled, netizens rushed to follow Surveillance District 13’s official website. But… they wanted to rant, yet they didn’t dare.
And so, overnight, Surveillance District 13 gained 200 million followers, but the comment section remained eerily harmonious. The administrators repeatedly saw messages that were both exasperating and amusing:
[User J]: "Uhh…"
[User K]: "We just want to…"
[User L]: "Take a peek at the human…"
[User M]: "Please, Daddy! We’re begging you! kneels—thud!"
Finally, their sincerity moved the heavens (or rather, it was a strategic move to maintain District 13’s public image and stabilize the people's emotions). Surveillance District 13 actually broke precedent—besides criminal mugshots, they posted a photo of the human!
The photo showed a frail, small human (who looked like a refugee child to the Ottoman people) sitting on a fluffy pink princess bed, wearing a loose-fitting white two-piece outfit.
The human hugged a black bunny plushie, their black, curly hair resting against their pale face. Their big, black eyes were filled with curiosity as they gazed at the camera, seemingly studying the person behind it.
[User N]: "…awsl (Ahhh, I’m dead from cuteness!)"
[User O]: "SUCK SUCK SUCK—I’M GONNA SUCK THE CUTENESS OUT OF IT!"
[User P]: "AAAAHHHHH HOLY SHIT IT’S SO DAMN CUTE—!"
[User Q]: "Help me up… I… I can still keep sucking… gasps…"
[User R]: "Today, if I don’t suck it bald, I swear it must have a thick coat of hair!"
[User S]: "No one fight me for this—ONE HUMAN, ONE BILLION MOUTHS—!"
While the Ottoman people, with their “human worship”, were going feral over a single photo, the subject of their obsession—Joey—was undergoing a medical checkup.
To prevent resistance, Garius arranged for gentle-looking female doctors, each radiating motherly warmth.
Joey obediently raised his arms, cooperating with the checkup. The doctors petted his soft hair every chance they got, all while internally shrieking, So cute, so cute!!!
[System]: "Tsk tsk, Host, you’re famous now!"
Joey rolled his eyes. "Showing me the messages is pointless—I can’t even read this alien language. Don’t you guys have some kind of language implant, like in novels, where I can instantly understand foreign speech?"
[System]: "Nope."
"Then what about a shop? Like, where I can earn mission points and exchange them for superpowers or weapons?"
[System]: "Nope."
"…Are you kidding me? What DO you have?"
[System]: "We have mild healing abilities, companion chat functions, and smart navigation!"
"Ugh, forget it… What’s your ‘mild healing’ good for?"
[System]: "Mosquito bites."
"…"
Are you serious?!
Joey’s expression twitched. He had no words.
Just then, as the doctor prepared a vaccine, the hidden door of the pink room suddenly opened.
A man with golden waves of hair, radiating an icy aura strode inside—Garius Heine.
His golden-green, narrow eyes first scanned Joey sitting on the bed before he approached the doctors to inspect the vaccines.
The room fell silent. The once-giggling doctors stiffened.
Doctors: "Lord Heine…"
Garius: "Hmm."
He traced the syringes with his gloved fingers before nodding.
Garius: "Proceed with the injection."
The doctors silently exhaled in relief.
After the doctors hurried out, Garius sat on the bed, towering over Joey.
Joey held his breath.
A few moments later, a cold hand touched his cheek.
Garius: "Tieh Tieh." (贴贴)
Joey: "…………"
Joey’s eyes widened in disbelief the moment he processed the words.
Holy crap!
Chinese?!
He jerked his head up to look at the man’s face, but the other simply repeated the phrase "tie tie" while his long fingers—capable of covering Joey’s entire face—gently touched his cheek.
The cool touch was… quite comfortable.
Joey’s face and neck instantly turned red as he realized what was happening.
His trembling hands carefully cradled the seemingly sacred hand, pressing it against his own face as he nuzzled into it, all while cautiously observing the man’s expression.
As expected, after he finished his little affectionate gesture, the man gave a small nod, withdrew his hand, and put his gloves back on.
…It seemed that this "poop-scooper dad" had absolutely no understanding of Chinese. He must’ve misunderstood the gesture Joey made yesterday and assumed that "tie tie" was some kind of friendly greeting.
Sigh.
See? There was no way this guy could actually know Chinese.
Joey let out a breath, feeling both a little disappointed and a little relieved.
Noticing how the tiny human’s shoulders had tensed up and then relaxed again, Garius tapped the silver ring-shaped communicator on his wrist. A moment later, a video popped up—a simple intelligence test designed specifically for humans by the research team.
"Watch."
After saying that, he saw the human tilt his head at him in a dazed manner.
His soft, jet-black hair was still a little messy from the earlier pat-down by the doctor, making him look unexpectedly cute and silly.
Garius Hein—who had never shown a shred of warmth to anyone—felt his voice soften by a few degrees.
"Watch." he repeated.
Joey vaguely understood what he meant and turned to watch the video while calling out to the system for an explanation.
System: "It’s a simple IQ test. There are no words, only pictures. Just place your finger on the screen and follow the prompts to select the correct images."
"Ohhh~"
Joey got it.
He obediently followed along with the video, sitting beside his future "poop-scooper dad" and completing the test.
But just as he finished the first set, something hard pressed against his lips.
Joey looked up in confusion—only to find a white candy ball with a faint milky scent being held against his mouth.
Garius: "Eat."
Joey: "…"
…Not gonna lie, this was exactly how people trained dogs.
With a head full of black lines, Joey swallowed the "food reward," making sure to remember that this man could easily take on a hundred of him with just one hand. For the sake of survival, he resolved to be as obedient as possible.
Not only obedient—but pitiful, too.
He needed to win some sympathy and get out of this locked-up room ASAP. If he stayed here any longer, he’d start growing fur!
So after finishing the candy, Joey even mustered up a sickly sweet smile for this garbage-tier poop-scooper dad.
"Heehee~ Thanks, Baba! (Trash owner!)"
Garius stared at the tiny creature’s smiling face, and for a moment, the frozen corners of his lips seemed to thaw just a little.
The soft black curls on Joey’s head also received a gentle pat.
"Continue."
T/N: Please give support on my ko-fi page, thank you🍊🍊🍊
Thank you for translating this! Seems hilarious so far.
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